Nandini, a love story
Like tangled skein, my thoughts got intertwined in a tough knot. Dipesh was coming. I must tell him everything. He had to take his decision. But I did not get the energy to take the phone, to dial the number, to talk. I had not talked with him for seven days on the excuse of my illness. But how long could I escape?
I could think no more, just popped two sleeping pills out of the strip that I had stolen from father. Sleep was the only escape from my disturbed thoughts. I liked to close my heavy eyelids, it seemed there was no need to worry, no need to solve the puzzle of my life. I was tired, too tired to dither between should or should not. After so many days of sleepless nights, I’m sleeping…peacefully. Like a painkiller …like anesthesia, I welcomed my oblivion. I was a drifting iceberg, floating nowhere, with no root, no destination.
“Dip I’m not ready for the marriage.”
After some moments of killing silence, he said calmly, “Ok Nandini I felt it, long before, but I waited for you to say the truth. You are honest above all. I always preferred your probity over anything else.”
His firmness and nonchalant calmness broke me. If he shouted, blamed, or got mad at me I did not feel so disturbed.
“Why are you not accusing me, cursing me? Am I so damned a soul, so abominable?”
“I felt it long before that you were not with me. I asked you but you never said then. So why Are you accusing me now?”
“You cannot neglect me in such a way. You are abusing me.” I was boiling in supine rage.
“I? How can you say so? I was always there for you. Even now I’m with you if you want me to be.”
I collapsed within me. Oh! There was no hope, no solace, and no solution for me. I could not bear his dreaded solemnity. He should cry at me, accuse me, and abuse me. But he did nothing. I cried out hysterically.
He touched me,
“I don’t know what is disturbing you. All I know is that you are not the same Nandu whom I loved and who loved me. But I will wait till you feel good to share what you are feeling or anything else.”
Tears were welling up in my eyes. Desperation surges through my weak body like a poisoned arrow piercing deep. I could take his anger, but not his calm resignation. He stood up.
“Bye Nandu, take care. Call me when you need.”
I looked at his retracting figure, going away from me through the shadowy corridor of my heart, stepping on my tear-stained eyes. I felt my world was crumbling into pieces. I called his name. He turned back. I ran to him and cried out hysterically, tearing his shirt, and scratching his flesh with my sharp nails. I did not know why but my anger and frustration pinned him on his spot. He just held me with care though in pain, humiliation and hatred. He stroked my hair with indifference and then made me seated.
“I must reach you home.”
“No no. I don’t want your pity. I do not want to go home.” I shouted.
My cry broke the deep silence of the night. I woke up, all drenched in sweat, trembling and gasping for air. It was a dream when my life is turned into a nightmare.
I sat for a long time. My thoughts were clear. I could feel my comfort zone, my abode of peace. My little boat had to be anchored from the turbulent sea of mistakes.
I felt an urgent need to call him before Mom told him everything…oh! No, that must not be. I would tell…I stretched for my cell phone. I called him twice
He did not answer. In my life, I never behaved so franticly. Fear and anxiety groped me.
I did not want him to hate me. I must tell him everything. I felt determined and sober. My resolution was confirmed.
He called back after 15 minutes.
“Hey? What’s up girl, in this odd hour of night?”
“Yeah. I do not want to lose your friendship in my life. I mean it. You are my best friend and most comfort zone. I will no longer be afraid to confront life whatever comes. But please let me tell you. I’m not afraid of anything now. Even if I lose you, even if you cannot love me after all, I don’t fear. Let me just tell…please Dip.
There was silence for some time. Then he said,
“Nandu I know you so well. What damn thought you are lurking I don’t care.”
“Dip I never hide you anything of my life. But these months I cannot share what I should share. I lost my honesty, my candour. Let me tell you.”
“From my childhood, I admired you and even now. Your honesty I never suspect. If you feel you must tell me, but not now. It is already late. And tomorrow is my flight. Have you forgotten our marriage even? I must get there in time. I’m quite afraid now that my bride will be eloped. So just hang up now. I know my whole life will be spoiled there hearing your rubbish sentiments.” And he burst out in laughter, tender, coddling laughter.
I remained silent fumbling desperately about how to tell him.
“Nandu I feel something is wrong with you when I met you last time. I talked with Aunty. You are not prepared to marry me now. It’s ok Nandu. Why should I force you? But listen to one thing, if you feel suddenly, you cannot love me anymore, keep it in mind you can feel that for anyone. You need time. Take it. Our parents have arranged everything. Do not spoil their happiness. You can take your time even after marriage. I never force you on anything. Now it is your decision. I’m going. Wait for me. Don’t get vanished at least in the meantime.”
Hey, I am Munmun, the phoenix fabulist who wants to tell you stories. I love to read stories and I love to weave stories. I feel life is an amalgamation of multiple stories, colourful threads, and threads of pain, pleasure, hope, and hopelessness. We just need to pick those hues and arrange them, knitting them with our own emotions and perception. So let’s celebrate the stories of life.