Movie of My Life

I am watching the movie till I realize the characters are seeping into my life. The same engrossed emotion and desperate attempt to soothe the unknown restlessness. I have lost something and I don’t know what is it.

It is a hot summer noon and I have nothing to do except wallowing on my soft bed and thinking of nothing. My dear husband is at the office and I am spending my maternity leave and waiting for the baby to be born. My delivery date is near and my parents are joining me next week.

 As usual, I am surfing the channels when I halt on this one and deter my frivolous fingers from pressing for the next. I allow my brain to relax and start watching it. It is a Tamil movie and I understand nothing until I decipher the subtitle and the caricature of the characters. But it has something special in it that keeps me fixed on the screen and forces me to understand it. But why? Why I’m spoiling my little me time by transcribing an unknown language movie when there are enough of it steaming in different channels in my own language?

Something was captivating in the plot as I realise I am watching my own life on the screen.

The husband, i.e the hero is a tall dark handsome guy who uses to work in an office where there is no dirt and no dark. Every nook and corner is pristine and all the workers are professional in their executive outfits. The non-official staffs are full of etiquette and they are too gentle.

And he is charming with his beguiling smile.  Manish is not like that hero but he has still that debonair attraction to kindle any flame. I am not a bad choice for him. I am tall slim and fair with slightly blueish eyes. For some months I have gained some weight as it is necessary to give birth to a healthy baby than to keep my figure perfect. My baby is my priority now.

The hero is very busy at his desk and I am watching him with pure admiration. I am eager to meet the heroine. She must be very attractive. He smartly rotates his chair and faces me. Then he smiles and walks towards the next cabin. There are a few people that day in the office and everyone was busy on their own. He gives a furtive look around him and reaches the corner chair. A young lady with her hair bundled in a tight knot above her neck was working there. She was wearing a white shirt with blue Polka Dots and dark maroon trousers. Tendrils of her hair were quivering on her slender cheek as the air from the ceiling fan touches them now and then.

He watches her for a moment and then touches her back softly. She whirls back and her bluish eyes blaze with sudden light.

“Sit down” she drags his hand.

And he sits near her touching her shoulder.

” What’s the plan?” He asks with an impatient voice.

” Half hour…then I will be free.”

” No ..not today but for the weekend.”

“No Santosh” she coaxes him pressing his hand “It is not possible for me to hatch a story every weekend. Uncle and aunty are coming this Saturday from Lucknow. Mom has warned me not to make any excuses this time.

Santosh thinks for some time.

” We can take a leave in the middle of the week. No one will throw tantrum then.”

“See,  both of us taking leave in one day does not sound like a good plan Santosh. Staff are already whispering.”

” Let them whisper. I care a fig for them.”

” But you have to care. Manasi is pregnant and if something reaches her ears what will be her condition at this time?”

“Oh, Now you are thinking of Manasi. Manasi is my concern and not yours. She is my wife. From when have you started thinking about her? You always tried to snatch me from her. From the university days and now you are feigning as if you are her well-wisher.”

Santosh’s voice raised alarm as he forgets to control his agitation. People from other cabins started looking at them.

“Hush, don’t behave so arrogantly. It is an office and not your house. Now you can go. We will talk later. I have to finish the job.”

Creasing his tight brow in anger he withdraws. He is no longer looking like a hero. He is a villain. And I feel something is hurting me a lot. What is the time now? I wish to stop time and watch the movie till the end. I want my husband not to be back so soon spoiling the game.

A break.

I visit the toilet and take a quick glance at the kitchen if Manish will come I will heat and serve him. So nothing to worry about.

The scene has shifted to Santosh’s house. His stern stone face is creaking into a brief smile as he enters his house. Smita, his wife comes out from the kitchen and hands him a glass. He gulps it down silently without looking at her. Then he withdraws into his room, changes his dress, gets fresh, and takes his phone while lying down in bed. Smita comes with smoking poha and serves him on the bedside table. He is busy with his phone. Sometimes smiling and frowning over the screen. He overlooks her presence. She stands with a smiling face. But gradually her smile vanishes and a white sheet of pain plastered her dazzling eyes in tiresome paint. She retreats.

The scene shifted to a resort. Santosh and Manasi are sitting together near a bonfire and enjoying their sips. They are talking kissing and cuddling each other.

” Now when are you going to disclose it to Smitha?”

“Ummm…let’s see.” He feels irritated at the sudden break of passion.

” But how long this hide and seek will go on? My family is forcing me to marry. Aunt visited this weekend, I told you. Her brother-in-law’s friend’s son works in a big corporate company and she wants me to marry him. My parents are also very eager and they are asking my opinion.”

Santosh looks at the fire intently and then looks at Manasi,

” What do you want?”

“I don’t know.”

“Don’t you love me?”

“It’s a foolish question. You know I love you.”

” Then stay with me. Smitha’s delivery is next month. Wait for it. Then I’ll disclose and ask for the divorce.”

” But she will not agree. Now you will be the father of her child. It will not be so easy. I think it will be better if  we part apart.”

Santosh pushes Manasi from his embrace and looks aghast.

“So you want this.” He drawls ominously.

“No, I don’t want this. But the situation is such…”. She looks at her pleadingly. But he does not join her. His cold face is looking at the leaping fire. She cannot guess what he is thinking at that time.

I feel my heartbeat has stopped. I keep my hand on my belly. I try to feel the little stirring there. I want to feel assured. Last weekend Manish was not at home and the weekend before that. I asked him many times but he ignored me and threw one or two brief words, too insufficient to believe. But I didn’t want to take the pressure and I didn’t want to quarrel with him. Maybe there is some pressure. But then on Monday as he returned I found uncanny silence within him that was already heaping there between us for a long time. I tried my best but the more I want to go near him the more he drifts away. I feel like crying. I cannot sleep at night. I plead, I ask, and I get angry sometimes but nothing can break him. And the delivery date is on next month. I don’t want anything bad for me for the sake of my child. At night when he was numb in sleep suddenly his phone light blinked on. Many times I discovered him whispering over the phone in the dead of night. When I asked him he said his friend was from the USA and as their time zone was not the same he had to take the call at odd hours.

“But why do you whisper?”

” I don’t want to spoil your sleep.”

I had taken my maternity leave already. And I get enough rest at noon. So I cannot sleep properly at night. I listen to songs or audio stories. Sometimes I just go on thinking over my life and sometimes whisper caressing words to the upcoming baby.

That night I silently took his phone and it was Rita. Rita and I were University friends as well as roommates in the hostel.

Your best friend can be your worst enemy.

 I could not unlock his password but over the screen some kissing and love emojis were prominent.

I heard the rumor long ago, I smelt the burning fume long ago…my house was burning. I could ask Rita…I could challenge her, I could charge Manish. But I did nothing. I just asked him why he was behaving so oddly with me and nothing else. I hated Rita so much that I wish not to look at her shrewd cringed face. And why on earth I’m blaming her? Is not Manish to be blamed? Did not he refuse Rita and proposed to me, one day?

So I did nothing. I went on watching the movie of my life as I am watching it today on screen.

I am tired of taking responsibility… even for my good job and my bad job. I am not going to take on their responsibilities anymore. Let them do what they want to do. A broken vase cannot be mended…a broken relationship cannot be healed.

Someone presses the calling bell hard. I have to stop the movie and open the door. I am ready.

munu.ruku2020

Hey, I am Munmun, the phoenix fabulist who wants to tell you stories. I love to read stories and I love to weave stories. I feel life is an amalgamation of multiple stories, colourful threads, and threads of pain, pleasure, hope, and hopelessness. We just need to pick those hues and arrange them, knitting them with our own emotions and perception. So let’s celebrate the stories of life.