Life Beyond Love, a novella, Chapter- 18
As the days went on, the relationship progressed as it could be termed as progress which in its turn just made me feel cheap. He pitched me now and then, yet I melted like butter when he just took my name on his suave lips. It was humiliating for me. I wanted to be the queen of someone’s heart, the centre of someone’s life but I became a maid to serve one’s whims. Akash had no care for my feelings, my agony. He appeared and vanished when he wished, sometimes for two days or three days for months. My heart rebelled against it. But when he re-entered the love scenario with full passion forgetting his previous behaviour or feigning to overlook it, I proved very weak, very fragile, with love blinded to him. His false persuasion every time won me back just to fulfil his need.
He not only stripped off my clothes, but also my dignity, and my self-respect. After a satisfying night, he just yawned and went to sleep without bothering a fig for me. I prayed for his warm soothing love that could thrive on me but gradually I became an instrument, a toy for his cupboard. I started hating myself.
Shanti was ill. Mohon called me many times to go with them but I just avoided giving excuses. I did not know what they are thinking of me; I cared not even. I did not want to interact with others in this fretting mental upheaval. What way could I show them up when I am out of track? But I must visit her once.
“Mamoni, returning from Samayita I planned to visit Shanti. She is ill.”
“Ok, don’t be too late. It is late November and it is darkening early.
“Yeah yeah, I’ll come early. Take care.”
That day I reached home earlier. Though I planned to visit Shanti on my way back to Samayita I came home first to take some money and to get freshen as I had enough time in my hand.
Shanti was suffering from a fever for a long time. I’ll force her to go for a blood test with me. I took my purse in my handbag and while taking my phone I just connected the net and found Akash online.
“Hi! Have you reached home?”
“Yeah, but I’m in a hurry. I have to take Shanti to the pathology.”
“Ok ok, just call me. I want to see you.”
“Now? Are not you busy today?”
“No, it’s raining vigorously and I’ve nowhere to go. Lying in my bed I am missing you.”
“But Akash, now I’m busy dear, I’ll meet you at night. It’s an emergency.”
“You talk too much Aatri. Hurry.”
Every order of his was adorable to me. I never can say “NO” to any of his wishes, any demand, how hard or torturing it seemed to me, how much diminishing for my conscience. I felt that, day by day I was just getting engulfed in the demonic manipulation of him, the ominous charm that was leading me to hell, a hell of suffering and self-destruction. Perhaps I was aware, but I was not interested to save myself. I could not kindle the power within me to keep me safe from the way to damnation. I was heading to my doom. I allowed myself to be toyed under his grip even when I could feel he did not love me. It could not be love, never. But I was the ‘GANDHARI’ of my own rationality. So nothing was possible until I untied the knot of my blindfold.
“ Hey? What are you doing?”
“Waiting for you.”
“What will you do now?”
“I’ll change and then take some food. And I’ve to go to Shanti, you know.”
“Ok change before me.”
“Akash. Don’t start the same game again.”
“Aatri do you love me or not?”
“Akash this is not related to love. I can ask the same question. Do you love me or not? If you love me you can understand me. Our relationship is of love, faith and respect. If I don’t feel comfortable why do you force me?”
“Ok if you cannot feel comfortable with me then I’ve nothing to say.”
“Akash please don’t make the wrong meaning of my words and don’t get angry with me. Every time you get angry you started avoiding me. I just got devastated. You are everything in my life, my dream, my sorrow, my means of life. Don’t go away from me on these issues. Why cannot you understand me?”
“Okk okk, now get freshen and take your food, bye.”
Akash just cut the phone. I felt smashed as if someone slammed a door in front of my face, just ignoring my pleading, squashing my words. If I could not fulfill what he demanded he left me. Always.
“Is it the only thing that he wants from me, just to entertain him in his free time? Does not he respect my feelings? Is it right in love? Why Akash does not understand me if he loves me?” The questions haunted me until I collapsed on the floor and wept bitterly. I was tugging between my two selves. I wanted to adore him in my heart but I could not agree with the way he was treating me. He said he loved me. But those words no longer could bring any assurance within me. Again I was so fragile to come out of the relationship. I could not go away from him. Oh, I was growing insane. Save me. I could not go for Shanti. A tremendous headache started hammering my brain to pieces. I lie on the cold floor half-consciously until Mamoni came.
“I have to wait, wait till the day he will realize, till the moment his anger will melt. I would not disturb him anymore. He has to give his own time, he has to give the scope to perceive the meaning of love.” I murmured before I was taken to bed by Sabana Apu and Mamoni before I lost consciousness.
To be continued:
Hey, I am Munmun, the phoenix fabulist who wants to tell you stories. I love to read stories and I love to weave stories. I feel life is an amalgamation of multiple stories, colourful threads, and threads of pain, pleasure, hope, and hopelessness. We just need to pick those hues and arrange them, knitting them with our own emotions and perception. So let’s celebrate the stories of life.