Love and Bafflement
So I joined SAMAYITA at the end of that month. It kept me somewhat busy.
Akash became too engaged in his work and I could find him but only at night, online. There we met, there we chatted, and there we loved each other. Sometimes nights touched the dawn when we bade goodbye.
“Akash I feel surprised where have I kept so many words? I never speak much in my whole life”.
“Really? I also.”
“I had a nightmare yesterday and I woke up in my sleep.”
“What have you seen?”
“I was falling from high into a deep hell.”
“Don’t worry; I’ll be there for you to hold your hand. I’ll always be there for you, and never let you fall.”
Though childish, though melodramatic, I could say these words were enough to soothe a love-craving heart.
“Aatri I want to see you smiling every time, pray you to be happy always.”
“Akash! How could I prove that my happiness now totally depends on you?”
“Don’t be too dependent. It will make you suffer.”
“Please do not say such types of cruel words to me.”
I wanted him for some more time but he suddenly lost his mood to continue. So I hung up. I got quite used to obeying him, whatever he said, whatever he demanded, asked from me. I tried to be agreed with all his conditions, with all that he tried to convince me. I didn’t want to lose him again. Any trifle argument between us hunted me so much that I eagerly waited for him to make it up. It just kept gnawing at me until I reconciled. I knew he was my source of pleasure, and at the same time cause of pain. I tried not to argue, just to keep myself happy at his will, when he talked to me, and loved me, and also when he avoided me.
Every night I hurriedly packed up my work and then keeping my eyes open waited for Akash to be free and be with me. Sometimes I spent a restless, dreamless night holding my phone in my hand in eternal waiting. This became the routine of my life. I forgot to meet Shanti, at least to know how she was and her kid. I remained drugged in his thoughts, praying one day he could love me the same way I did. A new feeling, a new sensation kept me engrossed against everything, even my rationality if I had any then.
Within a few months, I became so dependent on him that it sometimes surprised me. He was everything to me. But sometimes his behaviour mutilated me tremendously. When his indifference crossed the limit of cruelty I found nothing to rest on. He cared nothing for my sentiment, my emotion. I tried my best to adjust and not offend him. I didn’t feel sure of my emotions, which were right or wrong, or which I was demanding. I got totally confused within myself when he rejected my every feeling with his stony indifference and coldness just to join back ignoring them. But my bafflement and my queries echoed within me, demanding clear answers.
Sometimes I felt tired at dead night after day’s exhaustion. My eyes started burning on the online night screen.
“No more today. I’ve to rise early dear.”
“Noooo. Please, don’t leave me Aatri. I’m free today. We will talk the whole night.”
“Akash it’s a bad habit. It is not good for your health you know. And in the morning I feel dizzy and sick.”
“Stop your preaching. I’ll stay with you the whole night.”
“You can wake up late, but I cannot. I’ve to rise early.”
“Aatri I want to spend some time with you.”
“Are you missing me?”
“Yeah, a lot.”
“Then why don’t you call me the whole day? I miss you too much. But you never care. You don’t take my calls, don’t answer my messages, sometimes for several days. Why can’t you feel it hurts me a lot? I can tolerate everything but your neglect.”
“Why do I neglect you? I remain busy dear. The only time I miss you is at night.”
“If you love me you must miss me in every breath you take, not only at night.”
“I’m always with you but try to understand my situation.”
I felt like sobbing, “Akash I love you so much.”
He already plunked the phone without palliating my pain.
WHEN SOMEONE’S PLEASURE DEPENDS ON ANOTHER PERHAPS HE OR SHE BECOMES THE PUPPET OF THAT OMNISCIENT WILL.
To be continued…
Hey, I am Munmun, the phoenix fabulist who wants to tell you stories. I love to read stories and I love to weave stories. I feel life is an amalgamation of multiple stories, colourful threads, and threads of pain, pleasure, hope, and hopelessness. We just need to pick those hues and arrange them, knitting them with our own emotions and perception. So let’s celebrate the stories of life.